It's almost spring.
...Well, it's March already, and that's when spring begins for me, even if it is still a bit cold.
When you think of spring, you think of new beginnings - all the baby animals are being born, all the flowers and leaves begin to come out again... It's all very refreshing, I think.
With that said, I have decided that it's now time for me to make a change within myself. Recently, I've been feeling really down again, even more so because I've had low self esteem and confidence, which is something that doesn't usually bother me.
I guess I've had bad self esteem partly because although I've been losing weight, I've still not noticed a difference, and so I'm becoming more and more envious of other slim girls. I've been feeling like I'm destined to be fat and gross... and on top of that, these bloody bags under my eyes are still persistent... Got a fucking fat jaw and chin too.
To be honest, it's all the regular self body issues that are getting to me, you know, not slim enough, not pretty enough, skin not clear enough, legs not thin enough, hair not long enough, all the typical, skin deep crap that girls worry about when they're about 13.
I never worried about it when I was younger because I just wasn't bothered, but now I am all of a sudden and it's pissing me off.
So, with it being (almost) spring and all, I've decided to make some changes.
I'll tell myself that I'm better - not prettier, or cleverer, thinner, taller, nicer - just better. Deep down, I don't believe it. I'm not big headed and self centered or arrogant. It's just helping me get by. If I think it in the moment when I'm feeling inferior, or ugly or fat... whatever, it helps get these thoughts out of my mind and helps me move on.
It's very likely that I'll give up trying to feel better within myself within a week or two, but for now I'm trying, and I think that's good enough.
I also am refusing to use a statement such as "new ..., new me." New season, new me? How fucking ridiculous does that sound, huh? Very.
...Well, it's March already, and that's when spring begins for me, even if it is still a bit cold.
When you think of spring, you think of new beginnings - all the baby animals are being born, all the flowers and leaves begin to come out again... It's all very refreshing, I think.
With that said, I have decided that it's now time for me to make a change within myself. Recently, I've been feeling really down again, even more so because I've had low self esteem and confidence, which is something that doesn't usually bother me.
I guess I've had bad self esteem partly because although I've been losing weight, I've still not noticed a difference, and so I'm becoming more and more envious of other slim girls. I've been feeling like I'm destined to be fat and gross... and on top of that, these bloody bags under my eyes are still persistent... Got a fucking fat jaw and chin too.
To be honest, it's all the regular self body issues that are getting to me, you know, not slim enough, not pretty enough, skin not clear enough, legs not thin enough, hair not long enough, all the typical, skin deep crap that girls worry about when they're about 13.
I never worried about it when I was younger because I just wasn't bothered, but now I am all of a sudden and it's pissing me off.
So, with it being (almost) spring and all, I've decided to make some changes.
- Stop caring so much about attention. I never used to get any and it didn't bother me then, so why should it bother me now? I hate being in the centre of attention anyway!
- Smile more. My face is constantly in a pissed off/negative expression, probably because I'm always bored or think negative thoughts.
- Continue to lose weight - healthily. I've lose 13lbs already, and I will continue to do so, but I am refusing to let myself go down the unhealthy path. I'll lose the weight properly, and I know it will take time. There's nothing I can do about that but continue to work hard.
- Give myself a makeover. I've already changed my hairstyle (kind of), but I've been wearing the same style of makeup for about 9 months now. If that's not excuse to change it up, then what is? I'll be researching looks that are ideal for my colours and what's "in" at the minute, etc.
- Stop worrying about what others think. EVERYONE is at some point self concious, which is normal, but recently I feel I've been too worried about what others are thinking.
- Begin saying mantras to myself. Nothing creepy! Just something I can keep telling myself so that I can become comfortable with myself.
I'll tell myself that I'm better - not prettier, or cleverer, thinner, taller, nicer - just better. Deep down, I don't believe it. I'm not big headed and self centered or arrogant. It's just helping me get by. If I think it in the moment when I'm feeling inferior, or ugly or fat... whatever, it helps get these thoughts out of my mind and helps me move on.
It's very likely that I'll give up trying to feel better within myself within a week or two, but for now I'm trying, and I think that's good enough.
I also am refusing to use a statement such as "new ..., new me." New season, new me? How fucking ridiculous does that sound, huh? Very.
